I love you but it looks like I wont be around

I remembered there was a question someone asked me at school,
the question was "where will you be in en years time", most of us the dont know where we will end up, because ten years is such a long time. I thought about my answer, and it was that I'll be twenty seven and that was it. My fucking age. I dont know what my future is going to be or am I even going to even have one. It's the same fucking deliema with me, it just keeps going around in circle. Afraid and anxious about the future. Everyone fucking is you fool.

I wish there was someone I can tell my secrets to, someone who wont judge me. Sabrina is one of them, but its sometimes hard to get a hold of her. Sometimes I think I'm someone's worst mistake. I cant do jack shit. I'm so fucked. I sometimes wish I wasnt like this. I wish there was something more, something in this world that would please me.

The other night I imagined I was pregnant, and some how I got a miscarriage. I was sitting in a hosiptal bed, recluse from everyone, because I was embarressed and ashamed. I wouldnt talk to anyone, and I couldnt look at anyone in my family in the eyes. I stayed quiet like I always do, but just a little more depressed. My friends and family were trying to help me, and I rejected their help, I thought to myself that I was strong, even though I was shatterred on in the inside, because I lost my child. Then everything I built slowly fall apart, until there was nothing left. What the fuck is up with my imagination, it's so bloody depressing.


Lastnight I thought about what would happen if I wasnt around. It was a horrible thing to think about.